Trixie Guide to Finances

Contributed by Mackenzie Miller

For many Trixies, its just hard to exist on $45,000 a year, while spending $1,000 per month on an adorable pre-War bungalow near the Canal, a few outfits from Saks and trying to keep a Jetta on the road. But these items are important to Trixie Happiness. So therefore, we offer these key guidelines to make your life more enjoyable:

NOTE: Most of the situations described below expect that you have a boyfriend, husband or similar significant other. If you don't have one to call your own, stop now, go out and find one, and then finish reading.

1. If someone else is willing to pay, let them.
This works in many situations. Of course, when you're out to brunch with three or five of your best friends, who also are stretching their funds, you all have to chip in equally. But if you're out with co-workers, and one of them happens to be a manager or equivalent, you should expect them to offer to put the tab on their American Express card. They'll get reimbursed for it, because you did talk about work, right?

2. If you're out with a guy, make him pay.
If a guy is nice enough to hold the door for you, then he's nice enough to pay to have your company for dinner.

3. If at a bar, someone else always pays.
So, you're out at the Vogue or the Mineshaft after work with two or fifteen of your best friends/co-workers after a long day. Your pocketbook is running thin, because you just paid rent, your car and insurance payments ... and you're saving $200 for those new Pumps that you're planning to buy at Frankeys after your morning jog on Saturday. So what do you do? Any smart Trixie will know how to locate a small to meduim sized group of TrixieMales and charm them into supplying your whole group (or at least you and your closest, cutest friend Mandy) with drinks for the evening. Simple chatter about work and the Broad Ripple neighborhood works best, with a few comments about athletics thrown in for good measure ("Ohh! I just love to play volleyball with my old sorority friends at the park!").

4. When engaging in a financial transaction, always bring an attractive friend.
Let's say you're buying a new car, opening a bank account, or even buying a new condo. The first rule of thumb is to always bring along an attractive, yet quiet, best friend. This trick always works, because the guy on the other side of the desk is always going to give you better service and better deals when he has attractive Trixies in front of him (unless he's gay of course). You always thought you'd have a good opportunity to smile and make someone happy -- now you have the chance to get something out of it! This simple trick is even easier for the Trixie who practices the fine art of the fake smile. It doesn't matter if you're sincere or not -- this is a quick and easy one-time solution! You won't be seeing this guy around again (at least you hope you won't).

5. Always bring up your needs and desires at the best possible times.
You need a new bike, a new car, or a new Chanel handbag, but the pocketbook says no. Well, there is usually a quick and easy solution for the smart, on-the-ball Trixie. It's easy. Just know when to bring up subtle comments: At a dinner party where your boyfriend's boss or other influential parties are present, out to dinner when the waiter is at your table ("oh, thanks for the compliment on my new dress. I'm just waiting for Chad to buy me the matching Chanel bag and shoes!").

It's all good.


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The Man Who Did Not Belong ... In A Yellow Porsche

- by Amanda Brooks Baker

Today I was heading over to my favorite Starbucks at 56th & Illinois in my black Jetta, which I purchased at Park Place motors in Carmel (since it's got the Park Place plate frame on it, no one will know that I only pay $199 a month for the next 96 months). Anyway, as I was driving south after just passing Westfield Boulevard, I approached the left turn onto 56th to park in the lot behind the Starbucks. Now, let me tell you something about this parking lot. It serves three of the most popular stores on my daily list: Starbucks, Kincaid's Boutique Butcher Market, and 21st Amendment Liquor Shoppe. And with those three fine establishments, you can bet there are lots of other Trixies in their new $199 Jettas vying for the same parking space that I am.

As I'm about to turn left into the parking lot, this guy driving a canary yellow Porsche pulls out of the lot, and waits to turn onto 56th. He is blocking my entrance. As I pull to a stop and prepare to shoot him a nasty glance from beneath my Ray Bans, I take a good look at him. I figure that he looks good enough (and not to mention the car!) to have a lot of money, or at least be someone important, and possibly worth knowing. So I quickly decide to snap on a smiley face and proceed to grin at him. He looks back at me, and I gesture that I want to turn in. The guy gives me the middle finger. Can you believe that?! And this was someone I was planning to be friendly towards (which is rare in itself!).

I quickly slide him one of my very best nasty glances, as he finally pulls out of the lot. I quickly jot his plate down, so that I can have a police friend of my fiance's look up his address. I just love to send bad drivers a copy of my column detailing their idiotic driving.

As I run into the Starbucks to get my coffee, I remember that I failed to wipe the nasty glance off my face... but they probably all deserve it anyway ... they're just retail workers ... and what can they do for me, anyway??? But thankfully, I don't meet anyone I know -- or anyone worth knowing -- inside the Starbucks.

Good luck this week navigating your way around our lovely Village!

~Amanda

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Trixie Member's Jetta Accosted at Starbucks - Fingerprints Found on Plate-Glass Window

Saturday, September 27, 2007, 9:01 AM

Society member Jenny Wilson was at the Starbucks at Broad Ripple Ave & Guilford happily perched in a large, brown overstuffed chair drinking an extra-shot chai half-decaf skim soy latte when an unidentified man made several unwelcome advances toward her through the plate-glass window.

Jenny immediately went to complain to the manager. She had to fight her way to the front of the line, and when she got back to her chair, the keys to her Jetta and her iPhone were missing from the table.

Jenny quickly ran from the store out onto the street, where she noticed the same man rummaging around in her double-parked Jetta across the street at Jimmy Johns Subs. With the able assistance of the friendly Jimmy Johns staff, the man was quickly evicted from the Jetta and Jenny's keys recovered. Unfortunately, her cell phone was lost, presumably stolen by the yet-unidentified man. Jenny also discovered a banana peel and several wadded-up Burger King wrappers littering the floorboard of her car after the incident. She is certain that these items were not there prior to the incident with the creepy man.

A police report was filed in the matter.

Meet Taylor Anne Smith - Independent Arts Consultant!

Although she has been extended membership offers many times, our Independent Arts Consultant, Taylor, has remained steadfastly "independent". When asked by the Board why she has refused the honor of Trixie membership, Taylor has explained that she feels she can better serve the Society's membership on Arts related matters from a critical distance.

Taylor graduated from Indiana University in Bloomington but, unlike most girls at Major Midwestern Universities, she did not immediately settle down to a consulting or PR job and begin searching for a husband. Taylor jetted off to Europe to further her art studies, snow ski in Switzerland and participate in world events. She lived in Europe for six years and after subsequent moves to other major metropolitan areas back in the USA, she settled again in Broad Ripple. This is a fabulous benefit to our Society! Taylor also covered the political beat for Rolling Stone Magazine from Berlin, painted masterpieces for contemporary galleries in Italy, France and Spain, and crashed a new Mercedes Benz into a fully-loaded street car in Nuremberg resulting in a one year driving ban in the EU (European Union).

Taylor's role as a non-affiliated, independent consultant to the Society is to provide art acquisition advice to Trixie members and their boyfriends/husbands. Taylor has not only provided sound, consistent investment and acquisition advice to hundreds of members over the years, but her abstract contemporary paintings grace the buttery, creamy walls of the finest homes in Broad Ripple, Meridian-Kessler and Williams Creek. Her art has a contemporary, dark edge to it that brings to mind the drunken rage of Jackson Pollock, the witty obscure commentary of Andy Warhol and the systematic, fractured sentences of chemical scientists. Like her semi-sordid past, it is disturbing and pleasurable all in one joyous instant.

Trixies interested in contacting Taylor for a private appointment or to view her current work may contact her through her slick website. Taylor's studio is downtown in the fab Stutz Building.

• www.AbstractModern.com

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Society Member Kendra O'Reilly Terrorized by Large, Mangy Canine

Thursday September 06, 2007 -- 6:20 PM

Kendra O'Reilly was out for cocktails in the 6300 block of Guilford Ave 
with her friends Cheryl, Jason and Tiffany at the Corner Wine Bar.

While the group was sipping Merlot, guzzling Guinness and people watching from one of the coveted outdoor tables, an inappropriately-dressed man came by and took a long overt glance at Kendra's legs. Then -- seemingly out of nowhere -- a large, mangy dog leapt towards their table, grabbed their flatbread pizza appetizer right off the table, and ran down the street. Then the man left.

Kendra promptly shouted after him, but that didn't help to return their stolen appetizer.

Kendra's friend Jason -- a new associate at Baker & Daniels -- theorizes that the dog must belong to the grimy man, and between the two of them, this was definitely a well-thought-out scam to steal food from well-to-do Broad Ripplers like themselves.

A police report was filed in the matter.

The Man Who Did Not Belong

- by Amanda Brooks Baker

Today I was driving down Illinois near Westfield, on my way to get some coffee and then off to my spa appointment at Studio 2000 in the Circle Tower building downtown. As I approached the intersection, I noticed that my best friend Melissa was going the opposite way up Illinois.

Now let me tell you a little something about Melissa. She is my best friend in the world. We both moved to Broad Ripple after graduating college. Melissa loves to drive her boyfriend's Range Rover all around the village for hours. Typically she will drive the Kessler-College-86th Street-Westfield rectangle, with little stops here and there when she notices a nice boutique or a Starbucks.

I quickly honked the horn of my Jetta, and waved at Melissa. But when I stopped the car for just one second or two to ask Melissa if she and her boyfriend Jake were ever going to get married, this irate man in a big truck, who was just behind my Jetta, started to honk. Now, let me tell you, this guy did NOT look like he should be in Broad Ripple, much less honk at me for any reason! I turned my head around quickly and gave him a dirty glance and then proceeded to tell Melissa that I'd see her soon at Midtown Grill or somewhere, and that I hoped she had a nice afternoon out in the Village.

Unfortunately, the peace and serenity didn't last more than another three seconds before that idiot in the truck behind me started leaning on the horn again. He must have held it solid for 25 or 30 seconds. How annoying was that?!? I really started to get pissed, and turned around and gave him another dirty glance. The light had changed to red while I was talking to Melissa, so what right did he have to honk at me now? We had missed the green light anyway so we would all have to wait patiently for another few minutes.

Well, you get the story. The moral of this week's JETTA is this: Ladies, don't put up with any crap from people in Broad Ripple who don't look like they belong. How can you tell if they don't belong? Just run down my handy checklist:

1. They aren't your boyfriend/fiancé/husband, or any of his friends or associates.
2. They aren't related to you, or they are not friends of your family.
3. They aren't an identifiable friend of yours or anyone from your work.

The only exception to this rule, in my book, is if someone looks important enough that you would perhaps like to make their acquaintance at a social event.

Good luck this week navigating your way around our lovely Village!

Society Member Kelsey Novotny Reports Poor Service at CT Peppers - Plans to File Charges

July 15, 2007, 3:30 pm -- Kelsey Novotny, 26, and a group of friends received poor service at CT Peppers located at College Ave and Broad Ripple Ave next door to the Vogue.

"Well, me and Hilly and Abbey all came in Sunday afternoon for a late lunch. And right away this girl was all attitude. I asked her for an ice tea with lemon and she brought the tea .... WITHOUT LEMON. When told her my silverware was dirty it took her, like, three days to bring me new utensils. I ordered the chicken Caesar salad with the lite dressing on the side. She brings the salad without the dressing on the side ... I mean, how am I supposed to eat all that dry greenage? What do I look like? An ungulate? And when she finally does bring it, I'm pretty sure it wasn't lite. I could see the fat just glistening in that little plastic cup. Plus, I'm pretty sure she was looking at Hilly's breasts the whole time. It was just awful. And she was all arty-looking, too, with a lip ring and blue streaks in her hair, all stinky with patchouli. Probably some art major at Herron or something."

"She was just a difficult customer," says server Haley Owen, 21, a visual art major at Herron. "It was my first day and I was still getting used to everything. I made a few mistakes but I was quick and polite the whole time ... even when I heard her call me a "skank" under her breath as I left the table one time. When I brought the check, she asked to see the manager and things just got completely out of hand."

When the manager came over, Novotny demanded free meals for her and her friends.

"The manager offered to comp my meal, but said he wasn't going to comp Hilly and Abbey. I was shouting at him too, giving him my best dirty look. He wouldn't budge. I was all like, f*** this, you obviously don't know who you're dealing with, I'm calling the cops on your ass. So I whipped out my cell phone and dialed 911."

The police arrived on scene and attempted to mediate the
 situation. Finally, a compromise was reached: Novotny and her friends agreed to pay only half of the total accumulated bill if Owen was fired on the spot.

"I thought [manager] Dan should've stood up for me," says Owen. "But he just caved in to the cops and these three classless girls. Luckily, my friend Duncan works at the Jazz Kitchen down the street and he says they're hiring so I should be okay. But it's wrong that women like this can just twist everyone to get their way. This experience, as unpleasant as it was, is perfect fodder for my art. I'm working this whole expereince into a centerpiece for my one-woman show, 'The Dildo Diaries: Musings of a Twenty First Century Glamour-Slave' I perform most of the third act of the show entirely nude while drinking Goya coconut milk straight from the can. It's intended to point a satirical finger at expectations of womens' traditional gender rolls at the beginning of the new millennium. It's very insightful."

When told of Owen's comments, Kelsey Novotny replied, "She should really keep her mouth shut. My boyfriend, Jon -- he's a lawyer -- is looking to file a civil suit against her. She's just digging a hole for herself."

"The number of these incidents has been growing in the past few months," says Detective Andy Panozzi of the IMPD. "It's just a sad situation. The service has been getting worse and worse in Village restaurants. Technically, we can't arrest a waitress for being bad at her job -- although, I'll tell you, I wish to God we could sometimes. Never eat somewhere that you don't feel safe, we say. And, if they do and receive poor service, we tell the girls to just act cool, pay up but don't leave a tip. Lesson learned for both parties. And put the word out on the street about that particular place, 'This is a bad restaurant.' People will go, 'Okay,' stop coming, the restaurant will close, and maybe someone will open up a place with good service in its place. We also suggest that the girls think about shopping at some of the supermarkets that offer prepared foods -- Fresh Market, Whole Foods, that Marsh over near Glendale. That way they can get reliable, restaurant-quality food without the hassle of poor service. Another option is to simply skip the meal in question until you can get home and make a dish of pasta or some popcorn."

"It's ugly, I know, the poor service .... but this is the kind of stuff that happens in a city the size of Indianapolis," says Det. Panozzi. "It's a real disgrace."