How Can I Start a Trixie Chapter in My Own Town?

Dear Ashley,

I live in Stilton, Arkansas. How can I form my own Trixies Club, right here in my hometown of 812 people? Unfortunately, we don't have a Starbucks within 300 miles of us, but we do have a Circle K. Most of the people here drive pick up trucks. Do those work in this society?

Please advise. Thanks!
Mary Jo Mazurek


Dear Mary Jo,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to the Society. I mentioned your e-mail to another member over lunch today, and we were both touched by your ambition to create a fabulous social club in your small little town.

Please note that we are a society, not a club. In addition to the sense of belonging a society provides, we strive to support our members and promote the uniquely wonderful Broad Ripple beliefs and lifestyles.

With that in mind, I have suggested that the Society lobby our Village Council member to create a sister city, much like many towns do with small African or Eastern European villages.

I would recommend that the Broad Ripple example could do much to end some of the poverty and sense of abandon I gather that Stilton must endure.

Before I contact the Council member, however, I just want to make sure that Stilton hasn't been adopted by a more fortunate city or town elsewhere. As I'm sure you can understand, we need to cover all our bases before we can give the Society endorsement.

Thank you again for your sweet message. By the way, my accountant Jay keeps a pickup truck at his Lake Wawasee getaway for hauling the Ski-Doo. Though I wouldn't recommend driving a pickup in our Village, I am sure in yours it looks so quaint!

Sincerely,
Ashley Tucker-Stansfield

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Society Member Kristin Harris Reports Uncomfortable Situation at ATM Machine

Thursday October 16, 2008 -- 5:50 PM

An incident was reported today by Society Member Kristin Harris.

Ms. Harris reports that she was stared down by a strange-looking man after withdrawing cash at the 5th 3rd Bank ATM on Broad Ripple Avenue between the McDonald's and Fed Ex Kinko's. "The man stared at me for a long time. It made me very nervous," Kristin told police. "He then got in his dumpy little car and pulled into the McDonald's drive-thru. I don't think he belongs in Broad Ripple. I've never seen him before and he appeared seedy and dangerous."

Jenny Forbes, who was driving past on the street with several friends after having cocktails at La Jolla on the outdoor deck with twelve coworkers also reported that she witnessed the strange looking man staring Kristin down. "We need to stick together," Ms. Forbes said. "If we are not vigilant, Broad Ripple could turn into something like the West Side .... and that's a sad situation."

Further details will be reported on this disturbing case as they develop.

A police report was filed in this incident.

Don't Go to the Bathroom Today!

To All Trixies:

“Don't go to the bathroom on August 6th!!! CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a poop on the 6th may be bitten on the ass by Terrorist Alligators. Reports indicate that organized groups of Fundamental Terrorist Alligators (FTAs) are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.”

Ashley, I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin's uncle is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hot dogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy at Nordstrom who shines the shoes of a mail room worker who has a friend who works in the CIA building.

He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked. It certainly must be true because I could find no reference to it NOT being true on Snopes.com.

Debby Mulcahey
Indianapolis


Dear Debby,

Are you sure this is really true? Well ... better safe than sorry ... that’s my motto. I will pass this warning on to our Trixie Constituents for review, and to all of my best friends over gossip at Starbucks on Saturday morning.

-Ashley

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Unspeakable Horror - Disgusting Jetta Vandalism

Question:

Last week, I double-parked my brand new Jetta in the alley behind Rock Lobster on Broad Ripple Ave and I ran into La Bamba to pick up some tortas and a mini burrito on my way home from work. In the brief time I was in La Bamba, someone vandalized my brand new Jetta VR6. They shoved a condom into the "VW" symbol on the front of my car, and glued it into place with some sort of industrial adhesive. There was no way I was touching that thing, so I couldn't get it off. I had to get downtown, and since I think cabs are just too dirty, I decided to drive my vandalized car. I could tell people were staring at me, and laughing behind tinted windows.

When I arrived downtown, I saw a group of my boyfriend Chad's co-workers walking around, and they all burst out laughing. I jumped out of the car, and shouted that vandalism could happen to anyone ... and how would they like being a victim of a hate crime! I felt one of the guys was looking at my legs, so I cursed him and jumped back into my car and drove away. Ashley, can I sue the city for this horrible act of vandalism, and perhaps get compensated for not only the trip to the garage to get the car fixed, but for my emotional hardship as well? -- Laura S.

Answer:
Oh my ..... I really don't know what to say. This may certainly be beyond my legal capabilities. But Laura, I've seen many clients experience similar acts of vandalism in the city. Please try to understand ... that's what you get for living in the city. While you certainly don't deserve the financial and emotional burdens an incident like this may bring, you also have no recourse against the city or the Village.

However, I would suggest you file suit against whomever insures your Jetta, for at least two million ..... if not two and a half million dollars. Do not hesitate. You deserve it, after seeing the terrible damage you incurred, not to mention your emotional suffering.

I thank you for sharing today,
Ashley

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Society Member Laura Samuels Reports Devient Sex Crime to Her Jetta in Popular Alley

Tuesday, July 08, 2008 - 5:06 PM

Laura Samuels briefly double-parked her brand new Jetta in the alley behind Rock Lobster as she stopped at La Bamba Mexican restaurant to obtain carry-out.

During her time inside the restaurant, witnesses reported seeing a "sketchy" man vandalize the new Jetta VR6. It is reported that the bearded male inserted a condom into the grill of the vehicle and glued it into place with a strong industrial adhesive.

"There was no way I was touching that thing, so I couldn't get it off," Miss Samuels told Detectives. "I had to get downtown, and since I think cabs are just too dirty, I decided to drive my vandalized car. I could tell people were staring at me, and laughing behind tinted windows," she continued.

"This type of disgusting behavior is unacceptable in the Village," Miss Samuels claimed. "I don't feel safe anymore after this! How would you like being a victim of a hate crime!?"

Multiple police reports have been filed in this matter.

The Magic Lipstick Treatment - "The Schmear"

- by Amanda Brooks Baker

The way I see it, I was innocent, and the guy in the Pathfinder was negligent. Very negligent!

The damage that he caused was beyond belief, and caused me so much trouble and emotional distress, that he should have to pay. They should not let men drive. At least I think it was a guy ...

I was driving east on 86th, just west of River Crossing Boulevard, right near Sullivan's (very overrated, if you ask me, but nice to have as a status symbol in the neighborhood). I had the green light, and proceeded to pilot my Jetta across River Crossing where it changes to Union Chapel Road, right by the lovely green iron trestle bridge by Flemming's and LuLu's. This idiot in a big black Pathfinder pulls off Union Chapel and hangs a right turn in front of me. As I tailed him down 86th, I gave him the "Magic Horn Treatment". After exactly 55 seconds of lounging on the horn, the guy stops, right in the middle of the street! Unbelievable!

Well, if he was willing to get out of the car, so was I. So I jumped out, gave him a nasty glance, and slowly approached his car. I screamed at him that he cut me off illegally and almost caused an accident. He started laughing, almost uncontrollably. I quickly swapped my angry face for a curious smile, and asked this fellow what was so funny. He starts pointing right at my head and cackles that I have lipstick all over my face. I turn and look at my face in the fine, waxy sheen of my Jetta ... and in fact, I do have lipstick streaked across my face! It was all his fault, and he was going to pay! He was going to pay for making me do this to myself. Before I could exit my stupor of disbelief, he quickly hopped back into his nasty truck and took off.

I discreetly tailed him around the neighborhood until he pulled into the parking lot at the Fox & Hound Pub (maybe he needed more beer so he could go out and terrorize more Trixies). After he left his truck, I quietly parked the Jetta right next to it, got out and proceeded to use my lipstick to draw an enormous greasy Trixie Star across the windshield of his truck, as well as several places around the body.

So, girls, if anyone notices a black Pathfinder with a Trixie Star smeared in several places on it, give the guy the horn treatment and a nasty glance for me.

Good luck this week navigating your way around our lovely Village!

The Trixie Gifter ... Happy Valentine's Day!

While most girls are satisfied with a nice romantic dinner on Valentine's Day, Trixie Society members hold their significant others to a much higher standard.

Are you tired of that weathered, snow salt-stained Kate Spade bag? Did your cubicle-mate get a supple leather jacket that puts yours to shame? Why not ask that special someone for a new, trendier bag or a new pair of shoes from Sak's??

But how can you make sure your boyfriend will buy the right gift or make reservations at the right restaurant? Don't let him ruin your perfect Valentine's Day! Your boyfriend doesn't want you to turn into "Hannibelle Lecter" and neither do we!! So don't settle like all the rest of the girls ... use the Trixie Gifter Guide because you deserve the best!

The Trixie Gifter is an innovative new technology funded by the BRTS Foundation as part of its effort to improve the appearance and quality of life for deserving Trixies throughout the Village.

Using the Trixie Gifter is a quick and easy way to get exactly what you want ... and know you deserve!

Simply print out this list on your computer printer and place a check mark by the appropriate choice for your Valentine's Day wish. Fold it neatly into a red envelope, spray it with your own brand of sexy perfume and leave it on the pillow of your boyfriend/fiance/husband!

Gift choices:
New Mini Cooper (limited edition)
Chanel Bag
Louis Vuitton bag
Prada Bag
Starbucks gift certificates
Illy Limited Edition Red Espresso machine
ISO Season tickets
Extra cash allowance
At least 2 dozen roses
A black lab puppy
Godiva chocolate 20 lb gift-pack

Take Me To:
Out to dinner at ________________
Oceanaire downtown
Ralph Lauren flagship store in Chicago
Indianapolis Auto show to pick out a new SUV
Zoobilation Black Tie Fundraiser this summer
Forget going out, just get the gift!