Unspeakable Horror - Disgusting Jetta Vandalism

Question:

Last week, I double-parked my brand new Jetta in the alley behind Rock Lobster on Broad Ripple Ave and I ran into La Bamba to pick up some tortas and a mini burrito on my way home from work. In the brief time I was in La Bamba, someone vandalized my brand new Jetta VR6. They shoved a condom into the "VW" symbol on the front of my car, and glued it into place with some sort of industrial adhesive. There was no way I was touching that thing, so I couldn't get it off. I had to get downtown, and since I think cabs are just too dirty, I decided to drive my vandalized car. I could tell people were staring at me, and laughing behind tinted windows.

When I arrived downtown, I saw a group of my boyfriend Chad's co-workers walking around, and they all burst out laughing. I jumped out of the car, and shouted that vandalism could happen to anyone ... and how would they like being a victim of a hate crime! I felt one of the guys was looking at my legs, so I cursed him and jumped back into my car and drove away. Ashley, can I sue the city for this horrible act of vandalism, and perhaps get compensated for not only the trip to the garage to get the car fixed, but for my emotional hardship as well? -- Laura S.

Answer:
Oh my ..... I really don't know what to say. This may certainly be beyond my legal capabilities. But Laura, I've seen many clients experience similar acts of vandalism in the city. Please try to understand ... that's what you get for living in the city. While you certainly don't deserve the financial and emotional burdens an incident like this may bring, you also have no recourse against the city or the Village.

However, I would suggest you file suit against whomever insures your Jetta, for at least two million ..... if not two and a half million dollars. Do not hesitate. You deserve it, after seeing the terrible damage you incurred, not to mention your emotional suffering.

I thank you for sharing today,
Ashley

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Society Member Laura Samuels Reports Devient Sex Crime to Her Jetta in Popular Alley

Tuesday, July 08, 2008 - 5:06 PM

Laura Samuels briefly double-parked her brand new Jetta in the alley behind Rock Lobster as she stopped at La Bamba Mexican restaurant to obtain carry-out.

During her time inside the restaurant, witnesses reported seeing a "sketchy" man vandalize the new Jetta VR6. It is reported that the bearded male inserted a condom into the grill of the vehicle and glued it into place with a strong industrial adhesive.

"There was no way I was touching that thing, so I couldn't get it off," Miss Samuels told Detectives. "I had to get downtown, and since I think cabs are just too dirty, I decided to drive my vandalized car. I could tell people were staring at me, and laughing behind tinted windows," she continued.

"This type of disgusting behavior is unacceptable in the Village," Miss Samuels claimed. "I don't feel safe anymore after this! How would you like being a victim of a hate crime!?"

Multiple police reports have been filed in this matter.

The Magic Lipstick Treatment - "The Schmear"

- by Amanda Brooks Baker

The way I see it, I was innocent, and the guy in the Pathfinder was negligent. Very negligent!

The damage that he caused was beyond belief, and caused me so much trouble and emotional distress, that he should have to pay. They should not let men drive. At least I think it was a guy ...

I was driving east on 86th, just west of River Crossing Boulevard, right near Sullivan's (very overrated, if you ask me, but nice to have as a status symbol in the neighborhood). I had the green light, and proceeded to pilot my Jetta across River Crossing where it changes to Union Chapel Road, right by the lovely green iron trestle bridge by Flemming's and LuLu's. This idiot in a big black Pathfinder pulls off Union Chapel and hangs a right turn in front of me. As I tailed him down 86th, I gave him the "Magic Horn Treatment". After exactly 55 seconds of lounging on the horn, the guy stops, right in the middle of the street! Unbelievable!

Well, if he was willing to get out of the car, so was I. So I jumped out, gave him a nasty glance, and slowly approached his car. I screamed at him that he cut me off illegally and almost caused an accident. He started laughing, almost uncontrollably. I quickly swapped my angry face for a curious smile, and asked this fellow what was so funny. He starts pointing right at my head and cackles that I have lipstick all over my face. I turn and look at my face in the fine, waxy sheen of my Jetta ... and in fact, I do have lipstick streaked across my face! It was all his fault, and he was going to pay! He was going to pay for making me do this to myself. Before I could exit my stupor of disbelief, he quickly hopped back into his nasty truck and took off.

I discreetly tailed him around the neighborhood until he pulled into the parking lot at the Fox & Hound Pub (maybe he needed more beer so he could go out and terrorize more Trixies). After he left his truck, I quietly parked the Jetta right next to it, got out and proceeded to use my lipstick to draw an enormous greasy Trixie Star across the windshield of his truck, as well as several places around the body.

So, girls, if anyone notices a black Pathfinder with a Trixie Star smeared in several places on it, give the guy the horn treatment and a nasty glance for me.

Good luck this week navigating your way around our lovely Village!

The Trixie Gifter ... Happy Valentine's Day!

While most girls are satisfied with a nice romantic dinner on Valentine's Day, Trixie Society members hold their significant others to a much higher standard.

Are you tired of that weathered, snow salt-stained Kate Spade bag? Did your cubicle-mate get a supple leather jacket that puts yours to shame? Why not ask that special someone for a new, trendier bag or a new pair of shoes from Sak's??

But how can you make sure your boyfriend will buy the right gift or make reservations at the right restaurant? Don't let him ruin your perfect Valentine's Day! Your boyfriend doesn't want you to turn into "Hannibelle Lecter" and neither do we!! So don't settle like all the rest of the girls ... use the Trixie Gifter Guide because you deserve the best!

The Trixie Gifter is an innovative new technology funded by the BRTS Foundation as part of its effort to improve the appearance and quality of life for deserving Trixies throughout the Village.

Using the Trixie Gifter is a quick and easy way to get exactly what you want ... and know you deserve!

Simply print out this list on your computer printer and place a check mark by the appropriate choice for your Valentine's Day wish. Fold it neatly into a red envelope, spray it with your own brand of sexy perfume and leave it on the pillow of your boyfriend/fiance/husband!

Gift choices:
New Mini Cooper (limited edition)
Chanel Bag
Louis Vuitton bag
Prada Bag
Starbucks gift certificates
Illy Limited Edition Red Espresso machine
ISO Season tickets
Extra cash allowance
At least 2 dozen roses
A black lab puppy
Godiva chocolate 20 lb gift-pack

Take Me To:
Out to dinner at ________________
Oceanaire downtown
Ralph Lauren flagship store in Chicago
Indianapolis Auto show to pick out a new SUV
Zoobilation Black Tie Fundraiser this summer
Forget going out, just get the gift!

Trixies ... hard to figure

Question:
I had a date with a Trixie the other night. I met her at a 28th birthday party for my friend in the Marrot Condo building at Fall Creek & Meridian. She and I hit it off at the party. After exchanging flirtatious looks at each other, I got up the nerve to approach this smokin’ hot beauty. We chatted at length about our mutual interests in running on the Monon Trail, bangin’ cocktails at Blu Point, shopping at the Fashion Mall and antiquing at Midland downtown. Kismet, right?

Okay … me? Southern-&-7 (Yeah + Fist-Pump!); Her? Cranberry and Vodka. It was about an hour later that she told me about this website, and that she was a "Trixie". After convincing myself that "Trixie" was in no way related to "if you want to take me home it will cost you", I felt more at ease. I picked her up for dinner the following evening, and then we shared a few cocktails down on Mass Ave at Mac Nevins (mistake 1). Next, we cabbed all the way up to Sullivan’s at Keystone Crossing (mistake 2). After that -- back to her place (mistake 3), where she continued on the theme of the night -- Herself. Don't get me wrong, we did “mack” a little on the couch, but I left feeling …. oh, disappointed! So was I wrong? If you want to take a Trixie out -- oh boy will it will cost you ….. time. Please let me know there are better Trixies out there to date. I am a 4th year ER resident at Methodist, I graduated from Harvard Med, I am a good looking guy, in shape and all that .... Where did I go wrong? I mean I don't have a nice car yet, but isn't there a certain "medical" vibe given off by those who can assuredly rely on future earnings? Or did I just meet the wrong Trixie? Is there anyone out there worth my time? Please see above mistakes and tell me my error(s).
Thanks.
Tim in Broad Ripple

Answer:
Remember doctor, while as a 4th year ER resident you have income potential, you are still a resident, and therefore an overworked, underpaid dog. Trixies respond better to tangible signs of wealth than to signs of Future Potential Wealth. I predict that in a year, when your salary goes from $40K to $250K, you'll have more luck. If your credit is good now and you have been diligent on your student loans, you should be able to get a bank loan this very week to buy a Porsche Cayenne or the venerable Mercedes G-Class G550 4MATIC. I advise you to do it immediately.

Most Trixies respect the G-Class. It is a notable up-market GL series that carries the right “social gravity”. Although the exterior styling could best be described as "functional" and the interior very un-Trixie-like in it’s spartan utility, the G-Class has a certain minimalist appeal that rings loudly in the Village as well as Williams Creek. And, as most Trixies know, “minimalist appeal” is code for old money, New England Prep and therefore EXTREMELY Trixie-like. Welcome to the Village.

~ Ashley

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The Magic Horn Treatment

- by Amanda Brooks Baker

On my way back from the athletic club this afternoon, I was making my way across 86th Street driving west. I was in search of some food to pick up on the way to my spa appointment. I only like to eat healthy food after a vigorous work out, so I chose to stop at one of those wraps stores that have opened up all over the town recently. They cater to "Trixie In Training" level girls who just moved into the Village and haven't a thing to cook in their small kitchens. Most of the ladies of my caliber usually cook in our large, expansive kitchens, and only take out when we're on the run, and can truly benefit from it.

Anyway, as I was turning left onto Westfield at 86th Street, this guy in a big nasty beater car runs me off the road! Thinking quickly, I jammed my hand onto the Jetta's horn, and took off after him.

I believe strongly in the horn treatment, which is carried out by staying on the butt of someone who does something stupid to you on the street, and laying on the horn for at least one minute, if not longer. At about 30 to 40 seconds, the offender starts to get extraordinarily pissed, which serves them right for messing with you.

Just make sure not to give the horn treatment when there is a cop around, because he might mess with you for causing a public nuisance, even though the real nuisance is the idiot who you were honking at in the first place.

If a cop hassles you, give him the Sweetheart Treatment (which, for the benefit of you younger Trixies, is exactly opposite from the Magic Box treatment) and he will let you go without any problem (unless he is a she ... in which case this usually results in a ticket).

That's all for this week's Jetta Column.

Good luck this week navigating your way around our lovely Village!

The Trixie Table - by Rory Fitzgregor

The Trixie Lifestyle often includes exquisite dining experiences and brushes with some spectacular wines. Our village and outlying Indianapolis neighborhoods are literally overflowing with options to feast on world-class cuisine, and chase it with some of the best-crafted wines, beers and spirits known to man.

I recently left my job as Senior Content Manager for a major consulting company to pursue the Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Arts Program at The Chefs Academy. I have always possessed a God-gifted palate, and I am so excited to share my extensive knowledge and experience with those of you who may not be so fortunate!

From time to time as my busy social schedule allows, I will review a new restaurant from the uniquely BRTS perspective and report my experiences back to you. Additionally, being a wine connoisseur, I will give you the low-down on the best wines for any occasion.

Bon Apetite & Cheers!
Rory

Latest Reviews:

Trixie Cellars 2006 Bin 404 Merlot
This is the second release of the limited Trixie Cellars Bin 404, the BRTS Foundation's signature wine from the "Sonoma Semester Sisters" program. All of the grapes for the 2006 vintage were grown in a single plot from 10 year old vines, and harvested by hand in September of 2006. Only 38 cases were produced and most was auctioned at the Trixie Stars ball in 2007. There may be a limited selection of the Bin 404 remaining at Kahn's Fine Wines (ask Jim) or at Fresh Market on College.

The Bin 404 derives its name from the epicenter of a Trixie's world, 404 Broad Ripple Avenue -- the triangular intersection just a few feet from the Vogue where Broad Ripple Ave, Westfield Blvd and College Ave intersect. The Bin 404 will not distract your palate with overly complex characteristics. This wine can be enjoyed on just about any occasion and with any cuisine. This particular tasting was accompanied by a chicken & avocado burrito (with everything + extra hot sauce) ordered as carry out from La Bamba and the Merlot in no way interfered with the flavor of the food.
I give this wine 3 out of 4 Trixie Stars. ***


La Bamba - Burritos As Big As Your Head

To coincide with the tasting of the Trixie Cellars Bin 404 Merlot, my fiancé, Brett, and I knew that we had to accompany the enjoyable wine with traditional Broad Ripple late night fare. So, a quick flip through my Rolodex before the drive home from work brought the venerable late night south of the border fare of La Bamba.

La Bamba is a sloppy, greasy Mexican gut-bomb shop right on the strip playing a traditional Mexican music blend of mariachi/hip-hop/fusion head pounding beats with a tile floor setting that is simply off the hook. But, this night, we needed the solitude of Brett's bungalow on Kingsley to concentrate on our first tasting. So, we popped by for a carry-out order after having waited in the bumper-to-bumper trudge down Keystone to our lovely village of tranquility.

The carry-out experience was really great. I got a good feel for the "flava" of the place from Rafael, the friendly kitchen guy who threw all our ingredients on the searing hot griddle as we waited. After a bit of a language barrier, we got our order shoved into the paper sack with plenty of little hot sauce cuplets.

Brett said the inside of the place reminded him of Tijuana, with all the cheesy, dated minimalist decoration and the thumping brass horn music. Brett got drunk in TJ once while visiting his frat brothers at San Diego State, so he would definitely know! He was so inspired by the authentic hippity-hoppity mariachi atmosphere that he poured a bit of his wine on the white tile floor to give props to his peeps. Rafael just laughed.
We give both atmosphere and service 3 1/2 out of 4 Trixie Stars. ***1/2

Peace!
Rory

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